Where does intimacy come from?

Where does intimacy come from?

Does it come from someone else? Does it rely on words, open eyes, religion or spirituality? Do I need a playlist? Do I need that photo? Do I need that conversation? Do I need that movie or video? Did my mom bring it, did my dad? Was it from my family alone, or do friends and lovers provide it?

Where does it come from?

Is it built, found, drank or ate? Is it academic, do I have to have a degree or the equation or some solvents?

Has anyone ever made me feel intimacy? Has anyone ever made me feel hurt, loved, overwhelmed, valued, good or bad? It’s come clear to me that emotions and sensations are mine to be open to, to receive, to reject, to withhold,

Intimacy, closeness, connection, resonance; why do I expect others to provide this? Why do I wait for permission to “be intimate” in any situation? Why do I enlist others to make me feel, to convince me of my value, my lovability?

And if you don’t play the role I’ve engineered for you to play and perform that role to perfection, then I withhold… call you “unavailable, a poor listener, emotionally immature”; ultimately faulty in providing what I feel I am owed. You owe me Intimacy!!!

What a shit show?!

With this realization, I “let you off the hook!”; you will never provide me intimacy, closeness, or resonance. You have never provided me with intimacy, closeness, or resonance.

It has always been my singular choosing based off my script and my projections about you, me, the relationship, the environment, existence.

Within my “story of me” lives the choice to be open, to resonate, to let you, me, or anyone “see me”. I’ve asked you to “see me”, to make me “feel seen; am I worthy; am I valid”. All the while, it was my own willingness to be seen, to be worthy, to be valued.

It was my secret conspiracy… and I was dedicated to making you my co-conspirator.

And when you didn’t conspire with me in this misappropriation and ill use of power? I tore you apart, belittled you -or me; or my family or yours’ or “society, the patriarchy, and history”. I condemned whatever was within reach.

I am the source of my experience of intimacy, just as you are the source of your experience of intimacy. If I choose intimacy when with you, to be open with you, to feel with you then I have a rich experience of you, myself, and the moment even if you don’t reciprocate.

I am choosing to be intimate with you even if you don’t know how! Your ability to “be intimate” or to reciprocate doesn’t change my choice or my ability to be intimate with you.

If I experience something pleasant interiorly or exteriorly, emotion or sensation, words or behaviors, it is I that must choose intimacy with “What Is”. Choosing to be intimate whether you love me or not, want me or not, attack me or not, and how I then choose to behave with you (in a toxic or healthy way) are distinct and separate choices. And, the skill and intimacy in that chosen behavior is based off my choice of intimacy.

As I engage conflict -whether in discussion or in action- I am choosing intimacy with whomever I’m engaged. I choose intimacy with my raging teenager, my addicted sibling, my cancer ridden body, my emotionally unavailable parents or grandparent, my traumatized lover.

I choose intimacy, so I can engage the Integral dynamism of you and I; so I can “ride the wave” skillfully of these ever-changing, complex, evolving boundaries of relationship.

I choose intimacy because in this moment, if I commit to being “HERE”, if I’ve meditated and strengthened my attention to Be “HERE”, there is more than enough space for your history and mine, our cultures atrocities and victories, our shadow, projections, and mindlessness. All of it can Be “HERE” and it still won’t get in the way of our potentiality. When I choose intimacy, I include all that has come before, I avoid dehumanizing you or I with it by condemning each other to a calculated future, and I choose to remain awake to what potential each arising moment may bring. I choose the messiness of the creative process, the surprises that come from friction and conflict, the raw fact and admission of having no fucking clue what is to come next.

I choose intimacy. Will you?